i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
