you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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