I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
