i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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