She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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