So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
