Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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