we have pet lesbian snakes
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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