a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
