Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
