I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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