worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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