Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
