Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
