i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
