i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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