either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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