3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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