I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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