We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
