we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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