i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
