I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
