I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
