He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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