Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
