dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
