I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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