am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
