this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
