he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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