you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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