so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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