how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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