just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.