At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check