I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?