And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
