it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
