I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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