And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
