When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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