Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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