pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
