i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
