I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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