Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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