dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
