She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
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Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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