I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
