There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
