I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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