did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
