I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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