i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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