i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
