My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
