I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Everclear isn't food dammit
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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