I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
